Brothas and sistas, today I’m going to share with you the top five scariest niggas in Hollywood films.
Honorable Mention: "Georgina" (Betty Gabriel), Get Out. Every time this sista appeared I got scared as shit. She had to be wearing the white Curry nurse shoes because her sneak up creep game was on swole. I love my mama with all my aorta, left and right ventricle, but if I would have seen that crazy maid out on the street, after hitting her, I would’ve put the car in reverse, hit her again and then peeled out on her devilish soul. Straight up.
5. "Mr. Simms" (Clarence Williams III), Tales from the Hood. Look, I was already scared of this negro when he played Prince’s father in Purple Rain, but in Tales from the Hood? NIIIIIGAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!!!??? Voodoo dolls, a serpent tongue coming out of gap teeth, AND him having a casket on display in his living room? He was like the Ghost of Negro Past showing you all of your future fears.
4. "The Puppet Master," The Wiz. The muthafucka had his own creepy theme music. “Booo di-boo di-boooo dip” Bitch, you sang the song didn’t you? This dude would just appear out of nowhere. Ole dusty-ass capri-pants-and dirty-Timberland-ass nigrah with a tray of death ready to kill niggas. When they met Dorothy and the gang in the subway and those orange bouncy thangs blew up, I was scared as fuck. “Boo di booo dip booo dip!”
3. "Brandi" (Lynn Whitfield), A Thin Line Between Love and Hate. “Crazy women have the best p****” – Something every young black boy’s crazy uncle says. Look, Lynn Whitfield is FINE, but she scared the shit out of me in this movie. Michael Myers? Freddy? Chucky? Punk shit because ain't NOTHING scarier than an educated, “I-N-D-E-P-E-N-D-E-N-T if you know what I mean” sista who got her heart broken. She stabbed her own birthday cake and beat her own face?? BREH!!!! As Martin Lawrence said in his standup, “CRAAAAAZZY. DERRAAAAAAANGED!”
2. "Candyman" (Tony Todd), Candyman. First off, this movie was racist as fuck and played into white people’s fears. A big Black man from Chicago chasing white women. If THAT’S not the most “1915 Birth of a Nation” BS I’ve ever seen. Then they had the audacity to give this n**ga a hook and a chest full of killer bees? It’s like he was a mutant Wu-Tang member or something. AND he lived in Cabrini Greens rocking a Mink?
1. The Pigmy Doll, Trilogy of Terror. As a little boy, I watched this bullshit with my older sister and didn’t sleep for weeks. Lights on woke as a Hotep after reading The Isis Papers & seeing The Matrix. This little nigga was wilder than Bushwick Bill gone off Everclear. He chased that white woman all through the apartment screaming and shit. He couldn’t be drowned or smothered. She put his ass in the stove and he busted out. Just typing and thinking of dude made a squirt of pee shoot out of my loins. I once shared my fear of this movie to an ex-girlfriend and the heffa thought it would be funny to buy me a look-a-like doll and give it to me for Christmas...she got called ALLLLLLLLLLL out her name. I put Jesus on the shelf and that doll in the incinerator that day. I still ignore her Facebook friend requests.