Mountain Dew and Other Great Contributions By White People

Sometimes, I feel bad for White people. It’s like their only destiny on this planet is simply to intrude on other cultures and appropriate other groups of people’s clever shit.

And it sucks. 

I’m not sure I could live life knowing that I’m a blood thirsty culture vulture that feeds off of the ambitions of other people and builds wealth literally and figuratively off the backs of every other demographic’s creative nature.

But since I’m a softy, I decided to sit my ass down and brainstorm some contributions that White people are completely responsible for. I did this with the intent of basically saying, “See? Not all White people are culture stealing devils. I mean, what would life be like if they’d never introduced to us Mountain Dew?” (Hint: There’d be a lot more meth addicts. Mountain Dew is to meth what nicotine patches are to cigarettes. Just sayin’). In fact, over 98% of White households have a two liter of Mountain Dew in their refrigerator. And that’s a stat I totally pulled out of my ass. But I bet the shit is true.

Personally, though,  I think White people’s great contribution to civilization has to be their fearlessness in the face of cold-ass weather. 

Being from Chicago, I see their bravery (or lack of common fucking sense) in severely cold weather all the damn time.  With no other group of people do you see motherfuckers walking around in 13 degree weather in gale force winds with a gawd damn Budweiser hat on and cargo shorts. In fact, the laws of physics should be taught with White people in mind. Because water freezes at the temperature that White boys stop wearing shorts outside.

It’s true. 

We also have to consider that before White people, all bad-ass kids got their asses beat. It was tradition. You fucked up as a shorty, you got your ass beat for every syllable in the sentence that described what your particular fuck up was. It worked well. And though ass whuppin’ don’t solve every problem, if anything, they’re efficient and don’t require much time. Just grab a belt or switch or other small pain-inlflicting object in the immediate vicinity and tear that ass up. Then a White dude named Douglas McDexter invented some shit called “Time out.” Basically, if you acted an ass, you sat in your room for a little while.

Now, I’m not gonna front, as a parent, I use time outs all the time. It really depends on the severity of the issue. But my mother and her mother and her mother’s mother didn’t use time out. They used a chancleta—which is Spanish for “house shoe.”

My mother got so damn accurate that she could throw her chancleta at me from 200 feet away and fuck me up in the back of my head.  She’d hit me so hard, there would be an actual footprint on my shit. And you know what? I learned to never disrespect my mom. But this excessive time out shit is creating kids that grow up to shoot up school lunchrooms because someone keeps making fun of their Payless shoes. Times have changed.

 Finally, I have to credit White folk with their forward-thinking in the creation of cottage cheese as something edible by itself. I wish I could say it’s delicious, but I’ve never eaten cottage cheese by itself before. Yet, for some reason, especially in the spring time, you can spot thousands of skinny-ass White girls sitting on the steps during lunch eating cottage cheese like it’s fucking Ben & Jerry’s Cherry Garcia. This many White girls can’t be wrong can they?

The point of all this is: White people have an evil, conniving, dark, inhumane past tied to them. Yes. They tend to appropriate the fuck out of other cultures, but White folks also have a few contributions of their own.  And without those contributions, I wouldn’t be able to write articles like these to shade the shit out of them and make them look like desperate little cum devils.             


Zay Ilarraza-Boyed is an afro-latinx from Chicago. He's the creator of and is a fluent speaker in Sarcasm and Brilliant Shit. When he's not joyously kicking down a kid's pillow fort, he is online trying to do the write thing. More Zay: Here Lies Zay | Twitter | Instagram | Facebook

Zay Ilarraza-Boyed

Zay is an afro-latinx from Chicago. He's the creator of and is a fluent speaker in Sarcasm and Brilliant Shit. When he's not joyously kicking down a kid's pillow fort, he is online trying to do the write thing. More Zay: Twitter | Instagram | Facebook